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A Dark Day on The Winding Path

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11/28/11

Approaching the end of a tough year and full of increasing health concerns and fertility issues, we headed up to Vermont to visit my husband’s family for Thanksgiving. Cards and board games are a hit with the kids and adults alike. Always game for games, Matt and I look forward to these trips; particularly since we typically play by ourselves. Now with several nieces and nephews to fill the table, these games were bound to provide lots of entertainment. A mindless break from the stress of fertility treatments would be nice. Indeed, I was really looking forward to total distraction from everything baby.

Despite this having been a particularly difficult year for Matt and I, one of the few shining lights in our world was the promise of a new puppy. Completely aware that we were filling the void, we were nonetheless very excited to be bringing home a sister for our already tons of fun Saint Bernard, Bailey. I shared this news excitedly with my sister-in-law, as we sat around the table playing games with the kids.

“You’re getting another dog? Don’t you guys want kids? You should really think about having kids soon.”

There it was, the dagger twisting deeper, the pain threatening to overtake my composure. My heart pounded and my whole body flushed with anger, hurt, and confusion. My face was scarlet and the tears came flooding down as if a dam had burst. I sat exposed as a failure of a woman, unable to perform my main biological purpose of reproduction. I was losing control, my body uncooperative. Shaking, I clenched my fists. You don’t know! You’ll never understand! You with your beautiful children and properly functioning body.

Oh god, did I scream at her? No, this was only in my mind.

I fought back the tears and swallowed the lump in my throat. Confidently I replied, “Someday, maybe?”

Mercifully, a new topic shifted the focus away, I was free to grieve quietly.

Wishing you all PEACE, LOVE, & BABY DUST.

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