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The Waiting Game: Waiting to Wait

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How hysterical is it, that we spend an inordinate amount of time as young women, hoping that our period won’t “crash our party”, rearing her viscous head at the most inopportune of times? Yet now, after having spent half my life dreading my irregular and often painfully, heavy period, I now wait with baited breadth for that red demon to show up in all her sassiness. I’m 7 pounds from my weight loss goal, the IVF protocol is set, a tentative calendar has been constructed, my medications have been thoroughly checked and doubled checked (and used for some pretty awesome art installations around my house), my needles are meticulously organized, and I just cannot wait to start getting poked.

I had hoped, after an early showing last month, that I might be in for another short cycle, but alas the days drag on with no start in sight. What better way to follow up a 21-day cycle than with a nice, painful 45-day one. UGH! Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. In any case, all this waiting and contemplating has me wondering; has it really come to this? Am I really going to spend my time waiting to wait?

Beginning my stimulation medication protocol will kick off waiting for the follicles to appear and mature…

…which will give way to waiting for the egg retrieval…

…which will result in more waiting, while I silently curse and cheer on the embryologist as she holds our future in her hands…

…I’ll wait to hear how many of our embabies survived to Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6…

…I’ll wait to find out if any will make it to PGS testing…

…I will wait, as the dagger dances around my heart, mocking my optimism and threatening defeat…

…I will wait for the call that at least one resilient, viable embaby will go to freeze before making the journey back to my womb…

…Next will come the cycles of recovery before my frozen embryo transfer…

…I will wait for my Transfer day to find out if my persistent youngster has survived the thaw…

…Then TRANSFER, and I will wait some more…

…I will wait TWO WEEKS to learn if my embaby snuggled in for the long haul…

…THREE MONTHS to feel safe…

…And 9 MONTHS to hold that beautiful baby in my arms.

A seemingly endless stream of cruel, anxiety-ridden waiting games. Do I have the strength and mental bandwidth for this journey again? These arbitrary holding patterns will commence and advance regardless, and I cannot escape this mental prison. Then, fine! I will embrace you, Waiting Game, but be aware. I WILL CONQUER YOU!

Wishing you all PEACE, LOVE, & BABY DUST.

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Published inThe Winding Path of Persistence

3 Comments

  1. Yes. Waiting sucks! I’m almost 5weeks and waiting for the 7 week scan 🙁 I did a self care challenge during my TWW and i found it really helped. http://myfertilityhub.com/selfcare/

  2. Rebecca Rebecca

    AF finally arrived. Stim med protocol, here we go!

  3. Rebecca Hofmann Rebecca Hofmann

    Congratulations, Lena! GL at 7 week scan. Self care is paramount!

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